My Letting Go

"I walk down my trail of jagged road

Full of pot holes, puddles, and rocks

Places where I had to stop

Or at least I told myself so."

That's a poem I started a while ago and never got to finishing it. I looked at it today because I began thinking about the mistakes we make. Things our parents told us never to do, but we did them anyways thinking we needed the experience. Asking for someone's advice, but never taking it, but as the Latin proverb goes "A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own," so why don't we do so?

My List

Yesterday, I wrote about fear hindering my progression as a person (see post below). It's something that we all struggle with, so I decided to make a list of things I would do if fear didn't hold me back.

1. I'd be on the praise team at church. I love the singing portion of worship at church. I'm not the greatest singer, but it's really about your heart and I love to just close my eyes and sing to God, an audience of one. I forget about everyone else that surrounds me and my spirit rejoices and I am at peace when I sing. I help the praise team by working the soundboard in the back, which I enjoy because no one is watching me during the music. It's hard to be up there in front of the entire congregation, having all those eyes on you (let's face it, people will be watching). 

2. I'd learn to play an instrument. This really goes with the first one, but it would be amazing to have some live music in church, as well as perform outside as a form of evangelism. I daydream about performing in a park-like setting with others from church. In the daydream we are singing and playing our hearts out, having an awesome time. 

3. I'd be writing more and be getting paid to do so. Writing has taken a backseat in my life as I work to pay off my student loans and volunteer. It sucks because I majored in creative writing. I should have taken internships while in college, but if I had, sleep would had become foreign to me. Whatever, it's in the past, and I can't do anything about that. I'm going to start looking for internships/freelance work although it is harder now that I'm not in school. If anyone has a lead, give me a shout!

4. I'd preach the gospel with more authority. God gives it to us ("These things speak and exhort and reprove with all authority Let no one disregard you" Titus 2:15, NASB).There are times when I'm at church teaching the teens, or at home when I'm ministering/defending the gospel and I allow my nerves to get the better of me. I remember one incident during youth group while I was talking about some verses and what they meant, I was worried about how I sounded, if they even cared, and by doing that I fumbled and lost my place, and pretty much lost my umpf. There were times when I wanted to give up because of moments like that but I have to constantly have to remind myself that I was called to this. It also shows me that I need to spend more time studying my bible and in prayer. I also get nervous at home (especially on Saturdays when my sisters and cousins come over). We'll start talking about religion and nerves flood my mind, thinking of the right words to say. Once they are gone, I think of ways I could have better explained a topic. My biggest fear is losing my family and not knowing if they are going to spend eternity with God. It hurts my heart more than anything (I'll go into more detail in another post).

5. I'd take dance classes. A few weeks ago a friend invited me to take salsa classes with her and I've been wanting to do so for a long time. I had planned on going, up until the day of. I started to feel insecure about my appearance, having to do partner work with strangers, silly things. Now that the chance has of taking free classes has passed me by, I feel stupid for allowing my lack of confidence to hold me back on doing something I've been craving. 

Looking at this list, I see where my priorities lie. Most days, I go to work, come home, read/study the word for a bit, watch TV, and fall asleep. It's a wake up call. The more I look at this list, I think to myself, "What's wrong with you?!" Nothing is wrong with you mentally, physically, you can do everything on your list!"

I'm glad I made the list. It made me sit down and really examine myself and see where I need improvement. Now the work begins!

-Cha


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God." -Marianne Williamson

My Genesis

Well, let's give this a shot. This is my attempt at a "blog." Getting a writing job is harder than I anticipated, so this blog will serve as a notepad, so I won't get rusty.

As a child, I used to think after graduating college employers would be have their doors wide open, welcoming in graduates with smiles and more importantly, jobs. After I graduated last year, it's been hard to get work. I do have a part time job, but I want to start my real job. It's harder for me because I want to want to focus on Christianity in my writing. Christianity, really? How could I not. I guess you could call me a Jesus Freak (I take it as a compliment), but having God in my life has been the best decision I have ever made. And yes, I know it's not grammaticality correct to start a sentence with and, I know that there are many skeptics (having been a huge one), but let me tell you something. I became a Christian after doing research about God because I felt it was ignorant to say that there wasn't a God when I had no knowledge about it (I could go on and on, but that'll be in another post).

In addition, I would also love to write plays, musicals, novels, children's book (I have a great voice for younger characters); I have so many ideas in my head, but so many times fear holds me back. Fear of what, you ask? Rejection, failure, being vulnerable. I have to realize that those reasons do come with taking risks and going after dreams. At least I can say I tried.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7, NLT)

I'm going to make a list of the things I would do if fear didn't hold me back. I suggest you do the same. I have to start doing. It starts with the list. I'll post my answers tomorrow and please share yours. 

-Cha